Bookstore Questions
and Answers
 

Satire by
Dennis G. Wills

 

March 2003

  
Among author photos and other decorations in our bookstore is posted a list of questions and answers. These are just some of the wide-ranging, thoughtful questions which a long-established used-book store receives from time to time from its curious visitors; and — in the spirit of public service and the cause of enlightenment — the gentle, restrained answers we give.

  1. Have you read all these books?
    — No; or, yes, and we have translated all of them into Sanskrit.
     
  2. Is this like a library?
    — No; we buy and sell new and used books.
     
  3. Do you rent these books?
    — No.
     
  4. Who gives you all these books?
    — A magic genie.
     
  5. Where did you get all of these books?
    — See previous answer.
     
  6. The book must be here somewhere. It was here six months ago.
    — We see this happen every day.
     
  7. Why don't you have a list of everything here?
    — The stock changes too often, and it's too labor intensive.
     
  8. Can my kids run around wild, dripping ice cream and soda, and grabbing expensive scholarly books from Cambridge University Press, while I go next door?
    — No.
     
  9. It's been a long time since I've been here. Do you still sell these books?
    — Yes.
     
  10. Is there any theme here? Are the books in any kind of order?
    — We feature a selection of scholarly books in academic disciplines.
     
  11. I called two days ago looking for a book. Is it in yet? [Repeat every two days.]
    — Sorry; they come and go.
     
  12. I bought this book last week at a garage sale for a quarter. Why do you charge so much for it?
    — Publishers set the price on new books. Used books sell for whatever the market deems prudent.
     
  13. How much does this book cost?
    — Our book pricing policy — pick the price formula that best suits your needs:
    1. The price which is, astoundingly, printed on, affixed to, or written in the book.
       
    2. Take the price printed, affixed, or written, find the cube root, divide by –2.464, then multiply by –3 squared.
  14. Have you liked books for a long time?
    — Yes.

  
Of course our faithful long-term customers, as well as entranced new browsers, bring a greater degree of enlightenment into the store; and, we fondly hope, carry a little more enlightenment away with them.

  

© 2003 Dennis G. Wills


  
The author is proprietor of
D.G. Wills Books
in La Jolla, California
  

  
Satires by Title
a point or a quiver-full
  


  

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