Plants Clear the Air
What exactly do the climate change peeps have against plants? I mean, really. Do they not realize that carbon dioxide is necessary for plant life? And yet, that is exactly the substance they want to limit. Rude! Well, apparently the plant kingdom has finally had the last straw. It is rumored that after house-plants across the country viewed the new Sun Chips commercial touting their environmentally safe bags, they spread the word. Yes, ladies, gentlemen, and the plant world at large: Sun Chips is making their new bags out of plants. The horror. The following transcript was obtained from Tree-Span.
Opening introduction presented by Mr. Douglas, chair of the committee to counsel about all the world's problems, but especially global warming.
Mr. Douglas: Welcome my friends and comrades in the fight against global warming. We gather to present new-found information, address specific issues, discuss solutions — and to pledge to take action.
My friends, the science is settled. The earth is warming and it is our fault. We should have realized eons ago as we experienced ice ages and warm-ups that it was really all down to us. You, I, all of us have been filling the air with noxious waste, oxygen. As I say, the science is settled.
[ applause that sounds strangely like the rustling of leaves ]
For those who remain unconvinced, for those dummies who probably still think St. Helens didn't kill an entire forest, I say: wake up, you saps! I will now cede the floor to Cedar to present the overwhelming evidence.
[ applause / rustling of leaves ]
Ms. Cedar: Thank-you, Mr. Douglas. If I may turn your attention to the front I have an amazing graph that simplifies the case and makes our responsibility clear.
[ as the screen lights up, there is an audible gasp ]
Some member in the audience: It looks like a hockey stick.
[ some rather loud sniffling is heard in the audience ]
Ms. Cedar: Birch, are you crying?
Mr. Birch: Sorry, I lost a relative to a pee-wee hockey team that needed new equipment.
Unknown audience member: Typical humans.
Ms Cedar: As I was saying, if you will notice: the earth is warming at an alarming rate. But, may I also direct your attention to the accompanying increase of oxygen.
[ an audible gasp ]
That's right, we are contributing to our own demise. We are responsible for killing our own home. I call upon my fellow plants to end this travesty.
[ applause / rustling ]
Unknown audience member: I blame Bush.
[ camera pans to where a Mr. Hydrangea is seated; he seems to be shrinking or shriveling on the spot with embarrassment ]
Ms. Cedar: Well, yes, of course his policies certainly have increased our oxygen output. But, now we must concentrate on cleaning up this mess. The science is settled. And some September soon we'll be left with nothing but regret and some of Neptune's dissolved bones or something. What do we do about it? I cede the floor to Mr. Ash.
[ applause / rustling ]
Mr. Ash: We'd like to present some real solutions to our oxygen problem. First off: Ginkgo, did you prepare that handout?
[ camera pans to a Mr. Ginkgo who appears to be blushing; don't ask me how you could tell that ]
Good golly sir, you are completely unreliable.
Mr. Ginkgo: Sorry, I forgot.
Mr. Ash: Whatever, just take notes, treeple. So, the question is: how do we limit our oxygen output? First off we need to determine — do we limit the growth of fruit bearers or just limit the fruit they produce?
Ms. Peach: Hold on, there! Why do we have to suffer?
[ a banana, an apple, and a pear are seen flying up towards Mr. Ash ]
Mr. Ash: My dear, we all must make sacrifices, it is for the good of the planet.
[ murmuring is heard throughout ]
Mr. Ash: Look, we all knew this would have to come about. We have to make the hard decisions. We have to look at limiting the population of some of our, shall I say less desirable plants.
[ a rather squeaky murmur is heard ]
Mr. Ash: Oh, calm down, Ragweed. You too, Dandelion. It's for the betterment of society. Besides I can't really understand what you're saying anyway.
[ the squeaking vaguely sounds like "Suck sap, jerk." ]
Mr. Douglas: Just how do you plan to do this, Ash?
Mr. Ash: We are going to have to start rationing our water supplies. We will also have to redistribute some of the water away from the weeds.
Mr. Douglas: Sounds like quite the undertaking. How do you propose to do this?
Mr. Ash: I suggest immediately forming five to eight bureaucracies. We then give them some grossly inappropriate amount of money, and task them to do whatever they have read in various science magazines and college term papers.
A general cry from the crowd: Hear, hear!
Mr. Ash: Oh, and we are going to have to cap oxygen emissions. If people produce too much [looks significantly at the fruit bearers], they are going to be taxed.
Mr. Douglas: Excellent! Well, meeting adjourned for the next hour while we all go out joy riding in our SUVs and jumbo jets. See you in a bit!
[ as the audience departs, several comments can be heard decrying the noxious oxygen ]
The question now is, what exactly do the plants have against us?
© 2010 Sarah Emily Jordan
First appeared at
See also her
Breathers at Troynovant
Satires by Title
Utopias at Troynovant